Why I Won't Tell 2023 to "Go to Hell?"

Whew! Another year down - and what a year it has been!

I have learned so many lessons this year...probably some lessons I thought I could have lived a little longer before I had to deal with 😂. Nevertheless, this year has taught me so much about myself.

I learned that I am autistic.

I learned how to be more confident and start to own my unique traits.

I learned that when I am triggered, I isolate.

I learned that I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed about not being able to label my emotions.

The main lesson I learned was how to love myself better and to discover what love really means to me. Learning that my concept of love was all screwed up based on my lived experiences and not having great models of it, I needed to learn what love really is - to me.

It feels like all of my life; I was my own emotional killer. Any emotion I would feel would result in gaslighting myself (I am amazing at gaslighting myself, by the way!). After years of others testing and questioning my reality, I developed the skill of doing that to myself. I would question everything - even my own obvious experiences in life. And because of my sensitivity to stimulation, the back-and-forth questioning would get so overwhelming that I would just get numb, isolate, and repeat the cycle.

This year, I learned that I do that, and I vowed not to do that anymore.

There is something to the saying "trust your gut." A lot of us who experienced trauma - especially religious or church trauma - have been taught never to trust your gut. Your gut was "part of your tainted and sinful carnal nature so there could be no way that we could trust it." Whew, was that all wrong!

Your gut is your body's mechanism to protect you. Yes, sometimes our instincts can be rooted in trauma, but it is the work we need to do that will help us determine if it is trauma or our instinct. One question I always ask myself is: "Who is talking?" By "who" I mean which part of ourselves is in pain right now: the inner child, the judge, the manager, etc. When I look into who is in pain, I can then speak to that part of me and find out why.

But when your gut is loud and your parts are warning you, trust it. If we want to talk "religious" talk, your gut can be attributed to the Holy Spirit. In non-religious language, it is your guide, the Universe, Fate, your ancestors, and your subconscious mind sending you a message. So, trust it.

I am not into New Year's resolutions, but I am into always setting intentions. In this new year to come, I vow to let go of the things that do not serve me and replace them with things that will. I want to live intentionally, and I vow to:

• Replace regret/resentment with gratitude

• Replace shame with compassion

• Replace fear with sacred play

I don't know how this year has been for you. A lot of people I know have expressed how challenging the year has been for them. I know it has been for me. And although part of me wants to say, "Suck a d**k, 2023!!" I don't. Why? Well, because 2023 brought me through the fire and I came out tired but not scorched. Whatever your experience has been, I invite you to do at least one thing for yourself:

Love yourself.

Like my Year of Self Love calendar says today:

Let me end this year the way I want to begin the next one, by being extra loving toward myself.

Today's Self Love Action:

This weekend can be a huge celebration and success by concentrating on acts of loving kindness toward myself.

May 2024 be the year of you! May you enter this new year with intentional acts that only serve you and get you closer to your goals. And may the lessons you learn through the challenging moments in this new year only bring you more insight, more grace, and - most of all - more love.